My Thoughts on…
I watched a message online from a woman with a black eye. She said she wanted to warn other women about staying in an abusive relationship. As I read her story I found out that over the course of two years with her boyfriend, he had regularly cheated on her and beat her. She left him but went back only to continue with the same treatment. She finally did leave, but after reading her story I got the feeling she will probably be telling that same story again only with another boyfriend.
I’m saying that because I did the exact same thing. I stayed in a horribly abusive marriage for a while, left him for a year and went right back to that horrible treatment. It never occurred to me while I was in that abuse that I needed to look at myself. We can blame the abuser of course, he deserves it. But unless you figure out why you’re with him and not with a man who adores and loves the ground you walk on. You’ll end up with another, just like the last. My “light-bulb” moment came after my divorce. I asked myself some questions; “What’s going on with me, why did I let someone treat me like that?” What I was really asking was; “What did I feel I deserved.” When I was in that marriage I thought this was the best I could do for myself. I was abused as a child so abuse felt “normal’ to me. Just as an abuser does what he does because he has “issues.” We stay in an abusive relationship because we have issues too.
Once I was out of that marriage I began to learn how to value myself, and I’ve never looked back. You must know that a final release from the indignity of abuse starts with telling yourself, “What do I feel I deserve?”
I had a very intense conversation with a male friend of mine, about women who abuse men. I know this happens, how frequently, I don’t think anyone really knows. There are statistics, I’m sure. But, just like women who are being abused, and never tell. Men are keeping quiet too. After all, as a man, it’s embarrassing to let people know a woman is kicking your butt. But, just like women, men will stay in that situation-hoping things will change.
I know several men in situations of being abused, one emotionally and one physically. Both guys are nice, just looking for love, but they seem to attract women who use and abuse them. Why?
As I explain in my book, Run for your Life, from the Love of Your Life, a Woman’s Rescue and Recovery Guide. Which I wrote for women, but I explain that men have the exact same issues. Like women, men can be; over givers, needing help or rescue and they attract, like bees to honey, women who like to take advantage of them. It’s like I tell women, if you want to break the cycle of abuse and release the pattern of abusive relationships, you must feel you deserve better. And to feel deserving, you must have a strong self-love and self-worth instinct. An abuser is repelled by a person who loves themselves. They know you won’t put-up with their nonsense.
So, to all the men out there who are in abusive relationships with a woman you, “think” you love. My book is for you too. Find unconditional love in yourself–first–and you’ll find the woman of your dreams.
MY THOUGHTS ON…. What we do to ourselves to justify staying in a toxic relationship. I call it, “Cope to Hope.” We cope until something will change to make this relationship what we hope it will become. We’ve all been there. I normally use pints of ice cream to cope when I’ve been in a bad relationship. But, of course it doesn’t work, because now I feel guilty for adding more pounds to my hips.
Anyone who’s been in a bad relationship has used coping mechanisms. We use them to comfort and escape from our doubts, fears, insecurities and heartache of not being loved the way we wish to be. We over-eat, over-drink alcohol, gamble, deeply deny what we’re going through, and how we really feel. We’re getting drunk, fat and depressed to stay in a relationship we know we aren’t really happy in. And, the irony is he probably doesn’t want a drunk, fat and depressed partner. So, it’s all a Catch 22.
If you have to use a coping mechanism then you’re in the wrong relationship. If you can’t be loved for who you are–you’re in the wrong relationship. The fact that you’re using coping mechanisms means you’re not happy and you’re in the wrong relationship. “Coping to Hope” things will change is a losing proposition.
What you should do is; learn to recognize when you’re using a coping mechanism and begin to love yourself enough to change your situation. Start asking yourself–what can I do to make myself happy. What is one thing I can do today for myself to make me happy. Don’t think long term, just for today. When you can think of three things to do today to improve something in your life-make that change. Then tomorrow think of one more thing. From now on you won’t be “Coping, you’ll be Doing.”
Gut instinct-also called; intuition, flash of insight, third sight, hunch, goosebumps, hairs rising on the back of the neck, stomachache, headache, bad dreams or whatever way your body wants to get your attention. What it really is is a nature based warning system and instilled in everyone. Some people have a greater sensitivity to their second sight, I encourage everyone to get in touch with theirs, it could save your life.
Which brings me to the story of Talia. But, her story could be the story of hundreds of women just like her. Who are presented with a choice. Talia was in a live-in relationship when she began to see red flags. She made a decision that she didn’t want to be in a toxic relationship, and told him to leave. She listened to that voice inside, her gut instinct. But, unfortunately for Talia loneliness and her heart overrode her gut instinct. Because, not only did she let him back in, but decided to marry him. Once married he began abusing her regularly and threatening to kill her if she left him. The sad ending to this story is, she did leave him after less than a year of marriage, she got a restraining order, and even left the city to hide, but he found her and killed her with a hatchet. I’m not blaming Talia for what happened to her. This guy was determined to have her, and if he could not, then no one would. This is meant to be a lesson on listening to that voice within the first time it pushes your buttons and tells you to run, regardless of how lonely you are. My thoughts on gut instinct are; it’s there for a reason, listen when it speaks, be aware of the subtle signals it sends. It’s only job is to protect you.